A divorce agreement between liberal and conservative America

A reader sent this e-mail which was written by a law student and has been circulating among conservatives: I’ve edited it slightly.


Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al.:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our separate ways.

Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.” I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name, and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let’s Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.

- end of initial entry -

John McNeil writes:

I could do without some of the things that Mr. Wall suggests we on the Right keep, like Wal-mart, big oil, corporatism, etc. Not too crazy about “invading” and “hammering” either. But he’s on the right track.

I’m fully with you in encouraging more of this secessionist thinking from both the Left and Right. I keep telling my liberal friends that if you hate all of these right-wing bogeymen so much, why remain in the same country?

LA replies:

I actually took out one sentence that was a real clunker, where he said that medical care is a “luxury.”

September 7

Ken Hechtman, a Canadian leftist with U.S. connections, writes:

“Battle Hymn of the Republic” is ours. It comes from the side that won the Civil War, not the side that lost. Scientology combines the worst features of a profit-making business with the worst features of a religion. That one’s clearly yours. What else … We’ll keep all the universities except for Bob Jones College and Oral Roberts U. You get the Beltway think tanks. We keep the eight hour work day. You can have slavery back. You keep the Second Amendment, the rest of the Bill of Rights is ours.

Otherwise, it sounds like a good deal.

LA replies:

“Jeffersonian,” in his article, “The Reds and the Blues: Time for a Divorce?”, also conceded that “Blue” (leftist) America would get the better universities, but added that “Red” (conservative) America could quickly create good ones of its own.

Mr. Hechtman’s other proposals are mischievous. Slavery doesn’t exist any longer and is not an issue, except in the minds of leftists who believe or affect to believe that the only alternative to leftism is slavery. In fact, the only slavery in the U.S. today is that which has been imported by non-Western immigrants, and since Mr. Hechtman’s side wants the non-Western immigration, it looks as though they get the slavery, too. As for the eight-hour work day, that also is not an issue any more, though the fact that Mr. Hechtman brings it up is another indication of how today’s radical, anti-American left always justifies itself by pretending that it consists of nothing more than the older, mostly accepted liberalism of the New Deal, denying the far more radical and destructive incarnations of liberalism since the 1960s. As for “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” since that was a Republican song, and makes lots of references to the God of the Bible and his authority over human affairs, including his use of war to impose his will on mankind … need I say more?

Dean E. writes:

The divorce would be a tremendous boon to that 95 percent of African-Americans who voted for Obama. In one fell swoop they could be rid of their white racist oppressors and made perfectly equal to their white liberal comrades. Cries of “racism!” would be a thing of the past. In the universal egalitarian utopia of Liberal Land, racism is unthinkable, and those blacks who chose to live with us would have no cause for complaint, having chosen voluntarily, for inexplicable reasons of their own, to live with such as us. We would get the Clarence Thomases, the Thomas Sowells, and the Booker T. Washington-Uncle Tom types, and they would have all the Jesse Jacksons, Al Sharptons, and guys with their pants falling off. It’s really quite an agreeable idea.

Robert B., who forwarded the “divorce agreement” e-mail to me, writes:

You know, my daughter is at _____, a liberal, Ivy League school if ever there was one, so what is so heartening to me is that this is making the rounds at even openly liberal colleges. She even has friends there who are known as “DWGs.” A “DWG” is a “Democrat With Guns.” You were right, Lawrence, Obama has spurred a “counter conservative revolution” such as would never have happened had John McCain been elected President.

Posted by Lawrence Auster at September 06, 2010 11:12 PM | Send

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